


Landslide

by dannihowell (iguessicantry)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Cancer, M/M, Post Mpreg, Single Parents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-30
Updated: 2016-07-30
Packaged: 2018-07-27 15:40:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7624363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iguessicantry/pseuds/dannihowell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil hasn’t seen Dan in almost four years. Dan is a carrier and now has a 3 year old son. He also has very big a secret.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Landslide

“Hi, Phil.”

There is an uncomfortable silence as the two of them stare at each other on the front steps of Phil’s apartment building. There is a small child clutching Dan’s hand but Phil doesn’t really see him yet.

“Hi?” Phil replies uneasily. He hasn’t seen Dan in almost four years, not since that night where their feelings ran too high and they both said things they could never have meant.

“I’ve—well, _we’ve_ been waiting for you.”

Phil looks down at the boy who’s just barely out of toddlerhood, thumb tucked under his teeth. “You have?”

“Yes,” Dan nods. “This is Henry.” Henry looks up at Dan then Phil seemingly lost to why his name was just spoken. The little boy looks like Dan, his hair is brown and curly, and he has Dan’s straight nose. The eyes surprise Phil because they aren’t a chocolate brown as he expected but a light sky blue, turning grey.

“Is he…?”

“He’s my son.”

“Oh. Wow.”

“And he’s your son too.”

Both Henry and Phil’s eyes go to Dan. Dan bends down to pick up his son (their son) and gives Phil a quiet smile as if he’s showing the evidence of the last time they slept together so many years ago. The boy is so much of Dan and so little of anything else but he believes Dan.

As the shock begins to wash away, confusion seeps in among the mist of anger gathering. Phil is one of those people who is keenly aware of his emotions and he figures it’s best to deal with this upstairs in his flat than out on the street.

“Would you like to come in?”

Dan nods, hitching Henry on his hip and secures a baby bag over his shoulder. Phil reaches it for it and Dan lets him hold it, not saying a word. Once inside the 20th floor flat, Phil offers Dan a drink which he refuses.

“We should talk,” Phil says, turning on the television and finding children’s programming. Dan sets Henry down on the sofa and places a kiss on the boy’s forehead and whispers, ‘be good for me.’

Dan follows Phil into the next room where they can still hear the television but Henry can’t hear whatever they might say. Phil is the first to speak.

“How old is he?”

“Three and a half. His birthday’s in June.”

Phil runs through the timeline in his head. It doesn’t make sense. “June 2010?”

“Yes. On the fourteenth.”

“The last time I saw you was that previous December. How did you hide it so well? You would have been three months along.”

“Henry was premature. We conceived him that December but I had some complications and he came 10 weeks early.”

Dan tries to hide the sadness he feels because he hates mentioning how terrible the pregnancy had been. Having a premature birth is terrifying and watching his child grow in an incubator for those two months instead of his crib almost killed him. A smile returns to his face but it’s too late. Phil has seen every single one of Dan’s facial expressions and though they’ve been apart for years, Phil believes he’s still an expert.

“It was bad wasn’t it?” he asks.

Dan nods. “Yeah, I lost so much blood and he hadn’t gotten enough oxygen. The doctors had said he might be disabled but he doesn’t show any signs of birth defects or disabilities. He’s right on track with children his age.”

“That’s good then.”

“Yeah.”

“Dan?”

“Mhm?”

“How could you keep this from me? Was I that horrible to you? He’s my son!”

Dan shrugged and shook his head. With a deep breath, he led Phil to sit down on the bed. “What we had, in the good days, was great. You were a great boyfriend, I just didn’t think you wanted to be a father I was so angry and scared. We ended so badly and I didn’t realize I was pregnant until after I moved out. The things I said to you were unforgivable and I didn’t think you would want anything to do with me.”

“I don’t even know what to say. I should have known something was wrong.”

“Why?”

“You stopped uploading. You quit YouTube, Dan. I never thought you would do that.”

“I didn’t want everyone to know that I was having a baby. I know being a carrier is nothing these days but I wanted to be just another YouTuber for the public. I didn’t want to explain who his father was because someone would say he was yours.”

“And I was the worst option you had?”

“No!” Dan refused. “I didn’t think you would want to be associated with me anymore. After all, our last night together you said as much.”

Dan’s right. They had been fighting on and off for weeks until one night Dan had insulted Phil’s choices for their nest video, Phil berated him with a few more insults and suddenly there were broken plates and a smashed television and Dan was packing his things. Phil had told him he never wanted to work with him again. Dan told him to fuck off. Phil said they should break up and Dan wholeheartedly agreed.

“It sounds like I ruined your life. I mean, I knew you were a carrier and maybe we could have been more careful. You had to leave everything you love—“

“Phil, you didn’t ruin my life. I wanted to have sex with you. You didn’t force this one me. I could have given him up for adoption, had an abortion, or told you about him before he was born. I made many decisions when I found I was pregnant and I don’t regret any of them. I love Henry more than anything and I wouldn’t change anything.”

Phil feels the guilt slipping away just a little from Dan’s words. Dan lifts his head by his chin. Looking into Phil’s eyes, he wordlessly communicates with him. They can still do this. They are Dan and Phil after all.

Phil feels better still.

“I have something to tell you, Phil.”

“The reason why you came back?”

Dan nods. “I was feeling very ill and went to the doctor and everything. I have pancreatic cancer. They said I have about four months to live.”

————-

There is a light knock on the bedroom door but Phil’s still in shock so Dan opens the door. It’s Henry, shy and polite. “Daddy, I need to use the potty.”

“Come with me. We’ll find it together.” Dan and Henry leave Phil sitting in his room, awestruck and in near-panic.

Phil eventually regains himself, leaves the room and searches for Dan in his flat. Phil finds them both in the guest bathroom. He hears Dan humming a song and Henry giggling as the pipe runs.

When Dan comes out of the bathroom holding Henry on his hip, Phil reaches for the boy almost instantaneously. Henry goes to him with little resistance and Dan smiles.

“I don’t think you should be carrying heavy things where you’re ill.”

“I don’t want Henry to remember me as frail or sick.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that. He knows you’re a strong person… You have to have been to do this by yourself for three years.”

Dan understands the sentiment. Phil takes them into the kitchen where he rests Henry on the counter. With a smile, he asks the boy, “Do you like cookies or ice cream?”

Henry grins then looks at Dan. Dan nods, telling him it is okay.

“I like cookies _in_ ice cream,” Henry exclaims.

“This is a smart one!” Phil laughs, opening the tub of vanilla ice cream. As Phil hands Henry a small scoop of ice cream with Oreo bits sprinkled throughout, Henry says, “Thank you…”

“Phil,” Phil tells him.

“Thank you, Phil!” the little boy smiles, stabbing his spoon into the hard mound of ice cream.

Dan lingers in the background before taking a seat at the table.

“Tired?” Phil asks him. It’s only mid-afternoon but after the news, Dan just dropped on him, Phil can’t fight the urge to care for him as much as he can. Cancer is a scary word and he can’t imagine how Dan must have felt to hear the diagnosis and prognosis. It is hard enough when you are only thinking about yourself but imagine knowing your child would grow without you to make sure they are safe and happy.

“Just a little.”

“Do you need anything to eat? Anything to drink?”

“No, Phil. I’m okay.”

Phil watches as Dan stands up and closes all the drawers and cabinets Phil had opened to make their son a bowl of ice cream. He stifles a laugh at how domestic they must look in the kitchen together.

“Would you like a tour of my flat?”

“Yeah.”

Henry takes another bite of the ice cream and then he’s done. Phil lifts him up and Henry makes no fuss. In fact, he lays his head on Phil’s shoulder, comfortable in the man’s arms. Phil shows them the living room and the two other bedrooms besides his own. One is an office full of video equipment and computers. The other is a guest room with a decent size and closet. Phil is already thinking about remodeling the room for Henry… if Dan wants Henry to live with him.

“I was thinking of redecorating,” he hints.

“Phil, do you think you’re ready? Dan asks, having read his mind.

“I’ll have help. You’re here.”

“Not for much longer.”

Phil has no clue what to say to that.

“My parents want to take him,” Dan tells him. “I came today to let you know that you have rights to him too. And he should know you. It was selfish of me to keep him from you. I’ll never forgive myself for that.”

“I forgive you.”

Phil reaches for Dan and takes him into a hug with Henry in the middle.

———

“I want you to move in with me.”

Dan moves in. The money he had saved from his YouTube days is dwindling and he needs to live with somebody. Dan is becoming increasingly weak as cancer spreads throughout his body. There was no hope for surgery and cancer had spread to his lymph nodes by the time he had seen the doctor. There is nothing more they can do. At this point, the doctors want to make him as comfortable as possible. If it wasn’t for Henry, Dan would have completely lost it by now.  He’ll live as long as he can for Henry.

Phil, who still makes YouTube videos, works with the BBC as well. Dan’s proud of him. One Monday, when Phil is live on the air, Dan and Henry listen together.

“That’s your papa on the radio,” Dan tells the child. “Isn’t that cool?”

“Papa?”

“Yes,” Dan nods with a smile. “Phil is your papa. You can call him that. I think he’ll like it.”

A few hours later, Phil comes home with a few gifts from fans, which include a Pikachu stuffed animal. Phil hands the toy to Henry who replies, “Thank you, Papa.”

Phil picks him up and places a kiss on Henry’s cheek. “You’re welcome.”

“I heard you on the radio,” Henry giggles.

“You did?” Phil asks.

He and Henry keep chatting as Dan dozes off to sleep right there on the sofa. The medication for the pain makes him sleepy. Dan barely eats. He manages to make sure Henry is alright. It’s in moments like these that Phil is happy that they moved in. At least he can take care of both Dan and Henry.

———

Once Henry has had his bath and climbed into bed, Phil reads him a story and tucks him in. Afterward, Phil checks on Dan. Gently stroking his hair, Phil wakes his ex-boyfriend from the short nap.

“Coming to bed?”

“Don’t want to wake Henry.”

“Sleep in my room. I’ll take the sofa.”

“I can’t let you do that.”

“Doctor’s orders,” Phil says seriously.

Dan smiles sleepily. “You’re not a doctor.”

“Come on,” Phil urges, helping Dan stand. He holds him pretty easily now that Dan’s lost so much weight. Phil gets him into the room and lays Dan on the bed. Realizing that Dan needs to change out of the uncomfortable jeans he’s wearing, Phil runs to the guest room to get a pair of pajamas. When he returns, Dan’s laying there waiting for him.

“I brought pajamas for you.”

Swallowing dryly, Dan asks, “Help me?”

Phil undresses him tenderly. He takes his time and uses a soft voice to speak. Once his face came close to Dan’s and if it hadn’t been for all the bad days and bad words that had happened, this could have been a moment that led to a night of heavy breathing, names whispered and screamed.

Dan does kiss him though, on the cheek. “Thank you,” he says drowsily.

Phil says nothing. He tucks Dan in as well before turning off the light and turning the door so only a sliver of light passes through.

———–

Phil enrolls Henry in Nursery school.

Dan adds Phil to Henry’s birth certificate.

Henry masters the alphabet, Phil skips Playlist Live to stay home, and Dan enters Hospice care. He only has a few weeks left.

“I made a will. It’s in Henry’s room. I don’t have much but whatever is left is for Henry’s education.”

“He won’t need it. I’ll make sure he has the best of everything.”

“I know you will,” Dan agrees. Phil is so much softer now than he had been in years past. Maybe it’s because Dan is sick or maybe it’s all because of Henry but Phil treats him so well. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Phil asks. The room is a light yellow and the facility lets the family stay for as long as they wish. The patients here are in their last days and every moment in precious.

“For all the things I said to you and keeping Henry a secret. You should have been there for it all.”

“I already told you I forgive you,” Phil insists. “I probably wouldn’t have been much help anyway.”

“Still,” Dan coughs. “When he was born, his eyes were the most beautiful blue. Henry had been so small but I swear I could see the whole sky in them. The nurses said they would change color like most babies but he stayed the same. I knew then that I couldn’t stay mad at you. We made him and he is the best thing I have ever done.”

“Me too,” Phil agrees solemnly. “What was he like? I can’t imagine Henry as a baby. He’s so much older than his age as it is.”

“He was almost too much for me. Every time I looked at him, my heart seemed too full. It felt like I loved him too much. He had been so small and before I knew it, he was chubby, smiling, giggling, pulling and pushing, bawling and talking. Everything about him screamed you. He was so happy and content. He’s pretty much the same now, just bigger and more independent. He’s very much a baby though. Our baby.”

“He _is_ ours.”

“There are videos–,” Dan coughs, “on my laptop. I wasn’t posting on YouTube but I still filmed a lot.”

“Okay.”

—————

“I’m still in love with you,” Dan admits in a soft voice as Phil lays another blanket over Dan’s shivering body.

Phil pauses and watches as Dan struggles to keep his eyes open.

“I love you too,” he says when he’s certain Dan is still conscious. A smile appears on Dan’s face.

————-

Dan had explained it to Henry. He had told him that one day Daddy wouldn’t be around anymore and he wouldn’t come back. Phil had been there as well for support.

But it’s been three days since it happened and Henry won’t stop crying. Sometimes it’s loud bawling, angry and frustrated. Other times it’s quiet and scared whimpering, left all alone in the world kind of crying.

Dan had died on a Friday morning. His parents insisted on taking Henry even though Dan stated Henry belonged with Phil in the event of his untimely passing.

The funeral is held the following Wednesday.

A year later, Phil and Henry come back with roses and letters, pictures and stories to tell. Phil tells Henry that Daddy is in heaven (though neither of them are religious). He tells him that angels look down on us and hear us when we talk to them. So Henry prepares a list of things he wants to say to his Daddy in heaven. At four years old, he can write and read on his own. Dan would be proud.

When Henry’s done, it’s Phil’s turn and he begins with a simple, “Hi, Dan.” 

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on tumblr  
> [dannihowell](https://danni-howell.tumblr.com/)


End file.
